60+ Priceless Funny Divorce Quotes (Find Joy In Separation)
The priceless and uproarious divorce unfolded like a comedy blockbuster. Amidst the courtroom chaos, the estranged couple traded jabs that had everyone in stitches.
Instead of bitter arguments, they engaged in a sidesplitting battle of wits. Their lawyer played referee, struggling to keep a straight face.
As they divided their assets, their antics took center stage. They bickered over who would get the beloved pet pug, with exaggerated puppy-dog eyes and impassioned pleas.
Each attempt to lay claim to the vintage record collection turned into a slapstick tug-of-war. Friends and family watched in disbelief as this unforgettable divorce turned into a sideshow of laughter.
The judge couldn’t help but chuckle while signing the papers. 60+ priceless funny divorce quotes and witty and relatable quips capture the humorous side of navigating the turbulent waters of separation.
Get ready to laugh out loud as we share the lighter moments of divorce in this compilation of laughable one-liners and anecdotes.
30 Priceless Funny Divorce Quotes for Him
- “Marriage is grand, and divorce? Well, it’s at least a hundred grand.” — Jay Leno
- “Getting divorced just means you’ve earned your ‘Degree in Relationships’!” — Jessica Zafra
- “Divorce is the pits – but hey, at least it’s not the end of the world; it just feels like it!” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “Divorce is the process of finding out which one of you is the better lawyer.” — Carrie Fisher
- “Divorce is like a tornado of emotions tearing through your life, leaving a trail of chaos – and, sometimes, alimony.” — Oliver Markus Malloy
- “Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.” — Ambrose Bierce
- “The best way to get over your ex is to get under a new divorce attorney.” — David Bissonette
- “Marriage is a workshop… where the husband works and the wife shops. Divorce is a garage sale… where you get back your stuff.” — Unknown
- “Divorce is the key that unlocks the padlock of unhappiness.” — Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
- “Divorce is the most financially traumatic thing you can go through. Money spent on getting mad or getting even is money wasted.” — Richard Wagner
- “Divorce is the game where you win by losing your spouse.” — Oliver Markus Malloy
- “Divorce is the sacred institution that shapes our society. Or not.” — Craig Ferguson
- “Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signers.” — Gerald F. Lieberman
- “Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them. Divorce is the balance sheet of our memories.” — Sam Levenson
- “Divorce is the second most traumatic event in a person’s life. The first is marriage.” — Liane Holliday Willey
- “Divorce is a journey. It’s not the destination that defines you, but how you choose to travel.” — Luanne Rice
- “Divorce is a game played with lawyers. A game that ends up with someone losing everything they own.” — Cary Grant
- “Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them. Divorce is the result.” — Ogden Nash
- “Divorce is the pits, but sometimes it’s the pits you need to escape from.” — John Alejandro King
- “Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash.” — Rita Mae Brown
- “Divorce is a fire exit. When a house is burning, it doesn’t matter who set the fire. If there is no fire exit, everyone in the house will be burned!” — Mehmet Murat ildan
- “Divorce is the price people pay for playing house before marriage.” — Karl Pilkington
- “Divorce is the worst day of your life. The day you admit you failed.” — Shannon A. Thompson
- “Divorce is the beginning of a new chapter in life; don’t waste it rehearsing the past one.” — Unknown
- “Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you’re looking for a club and a spade.” — Unknown
- “Divorce is like an amputation, sometimes it’s necessary, but it should be avoided if at all possible.” — Michael Douglas
- “Divorce is the ultimate punishment for the original sin of marriage.” — Richard Wagner
- “Divorce is the accomplishment of finding the right lawyer.” — Ziad K. Abdelnour
- “Marriage is like a phone call in the night: first the ring, and then you wake up.” — Evelyn Hendrickson
- “Divorce is just a legal separation with a big word.” — Oliver Markus Malloy
30 Priceless Funny Divorce Quotes for Her
- “Divorce is like a tornado. It may start small, but by the time it’s done with you, you’ll have lost your house and your dog.” — Jean Kerr
- “Divorce is the pits. But, hey, at least now my coffee can be as strong as I want it!” — Nora Ephron
- “Divorce: the human equivalent of a dog shaking off water.” — Stephen King
- “Divorce is the price people pay for playing ‘House’ with someone they never wanted to live within the first place.” — Rita Rudner
- “Divorce is a fire exit. When a house is burning, it doesn’t matter who set the fire. If there is no fire exit, everyone in the house will be burned!” — Mehmet Murat Ildan
- “Divorce is the one human tragedy that reduces everything to cash.” — Rita Mae Brown
- “Getting a divorce may seem like a leap into the unknown, but sometimes it’s a giant step forward.” — Liza Minnelli
- “Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signatories.” — Gerald F. Lieberman
- “Divorce is the past tense of marriage.” — Eileen M. Clegg
- “Divorce: A resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.” — Ambrose Bierce
- “Divorce is a marathon where the finish line is just the beginning of a new race.” — Amanda Leventhal
- “Divorce is the second most emotionally painful experience after childbirth.” — Arnold Schwarzenegger
- “Divorce is the legal version of ripping a band-aid off slowly.” — Robin Williams
- “Divorce is a time when you have to say goodbye to the idea of happily ever after.” — Jennifer Aniston
- “Divorce: a game where you jump from frying pan to fire.” — Adele Parks
- “Divorce is the pits, but it sure beats the alternative.” — Thelma Reese
- “Divorce is like a tornado – it picks you up and tosses you around, but eventually, you land somewhere over the rainbow.” — Linda Poindexter
- “Divorce is the grand finale of a marriage.” — Amit Kalantri
- “Divorce is a declaration of independence with only two signatures, but kids get the co-signature.” — Marjorie Pay Hinckley
- “Divorce is a time machine that transports you back to single life.” — Helen Rowland
- “Divorce is the opposite of marriage. It’s just as expensive and twice as much trouble.” — Helen Rowland
- “Divorce is the price one pays for playing with matches.” — Julia Roberts
- “Divorce is like an amputation: you survive it, but there’s less of you.” — Margaret Atwood
- “Divorce is a journey. It’s not about the destination but the road you take to get there.” — Julia Roberts
- “Divorce is like algebra. You look at your X and wonder Y.” — Unknown
- “Divorce is the key that unlocks the handcuffs of matrimony.” — Janna Cachola
- “Divorce is the ultimate undo button for marriage.” — Robin Williams
- “Divorce is like a financial game of Monopoly, but without the ‘Get Out of Jail Free’ card.” — Tina Fey
- “Divorce is the awkward moment when you realize you’re actually arguing over who gets the Netflix account.” — Unknown
- “Divorce is a lot like jury duty. You hope to be excused from it.” — Unknown
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